the grass grows by itself

I’ve been out of sorts for the past couple of days, as has The Cop. He has a better reason than I, though. Friday night, he was at the city’s “problem spot,” a bar where gang members from all over the valley tend to congregate on the weekend. It was closing time, the parking lot was full of people, The Cop was there checking everything out and keeping the crowd moving, and all of a sudden, someone decided to shoot a couple of people.

Needless to say, I don’t like the idea of The Cop milling about with gang members, and I particularly don’t like the idea of people shooting each other in crowds. The crowd burst into utter chaos as everyone tried to run away in a small space, and The Cop, following his training, ran TOWARD the shots, looking for the shooter. Of course, it was pandemonium.

In the end, two people died and the shooter got away. It’s bothering The Cop that it was so easy for the shooter. He could have just walked right past The Cop after killing a couple of people.

This is hard to process.

Practice was kind of low energy yesterday and today. I am haunted by work energy, which was super-vata last week. Gah! I hate being caught up in work like that. Yet, it must serve some purpose, right? There must be something gratifying about it, if I get swept up in it so frequently? Or is it just the mind trying to keep busy? Same same as the desire to avoid meditation, to skip practice, to never just BE?

BEing is scary, though, because what if I’m just BEing and something bad happens? (This is my mind’s favorite idea, kernel of desire to control the world…)

Good and evil have no self-nature.
Holy and unholy are empty names.
In front of the door is the land of stillness and light.
Spring comes, the grass grows by itself.

This is me cheering myself up.

And this, too.

P.S.: Once again, the intermediate poses make me crazy and driven. What’s the deal?? Too much all at once, perhaps? If I do just primary, I am a happy, content person. If I go to kapotasana for a few weeks, I turn into a nut case. Cut back to ustrasana for a while. Still pretty insane — all hyper and driven and triumph-at-all-costs at work. God save my coworkers. Today I knocked off after pasasana. I seem pretty human, even for a Monday…


6 Responses

  1. I can appreciate that The Cop feels bad that the killer got away so easily with these killings. He’s not any sort of god though. He has no magical powers. When people congregate, some of them do nasty things. Prevention of a crime like this or catching the killer in the panicked crowd would have been mosty luck.

  2. Oh, so intense, this shooting. It’s is hard to process even from all the way over here.

    The poem is super-beautiful.

  3. Hi Karen
    Sorry that The Cop had to go through that mess. I see sporadic events here of the same sort. I was glad to read in the papers that the city determined certain zones to be at risk, so they are increasing the amount of police that walk the areas. Not surprisingly, my apartment is in the middle of one of the zones. I sometimes write about the grittiness of when rival gang warfare results in killings. It does affect ones psyche for a while. You feel sad for people being inhuman to each other in a moment of lunacy.

    How sweet to see the dog saying his prayers. And his coat almost matches that of the priest.


  4. Just wait until you do kapotasana plus the leg behind the head sequence. My nervous system goes through the roof.

    It’s probably part of Guruji’s evil game plan, but all that hypersensitivity has made me give up meat, coffee and alcohol, and avoid all unnecessary sensory stimulation. No more late nights. Zero debauchery. Sad, I know.

  5. It went the other way for me. Up to Kapotasana, the main feeling ws fear. I was a scared mess for months. Once I started doing the LBH poses, it was all about coming out to play. I started having some wine and going out and basically, coming out of my shell.

    I think there is a level of discomfort that one needs to endure when working through Intermediate. I guess the difficulty for a home practicioner is to gauge the correct “speed” at which to progress through the sequence.

  6. My home practice experience with Intermediate is that, yes, the backbends were all fear, earlier, and now they’re not, as much. Kapotasana and I have yet to meet in full expression, but apparently that’s coming.

    I generally enjoy LBH poses, but if I try to do that sequence and then the Titti sequence on anything like the given breath pace, it fries my nerves big time. Pincha is, actually, a welcome moment of stability (which sounds hilarious).

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