Scotty returned to the one yesterday. Went to sleep. Is out there in the universe. There are so many euphemisms, but it all feels pretty awful, no matter how I try to think about it. Mostly I feel freaked out that he’s out in the bardo and might feel lonely or scared.

My Gift drove down from college Wednesday night, and he purred as soon as he saw her. He’d been hiding for a couple of days, but with her back in her room, he went and slept on her bed with her. But he went back to hiding once she got up.

Scotty and his brother Donut joined My Gift and me 15 years ago. My cat of 16 years, Jack, had just died. My Gift was 5 at the time. Her first word was “Jack,” and she learned to walk by chasing the poor cat around the house. So when he died, I knew she needed to have new cat friends. As did I. My brother was getting progressively worse with AIDs, and I was looking after him. My first marriage was falling apart.

So Scott and Donut helped me and My Gift get through some really rough times. Donut’s been gone for three years, and now Scotty. Sad. Those two did a lot more for us than we did for them, that’s for sure.


Practice has gone on through Scotty’s illness and death. It is very strange to practice with the huge hole of grief in your heart. But it puts you back on earth. Back in your body. Even though it is very weird to stay in your body when someone else is leaving theirs. I remember this being an enormous dilemma when my brother was dying. He was bowing out of the body thing, and the eating thing, and the time thing.

I remember having this huge pull when my brother died — time was going on without him, and it felt like time was dragging me further and further from him.


The Cop and I are still having our moments, though. He is a devoted underpants practitioner and very proud of it.

Last night, I mentioned that his practice is looking more fluid.

“I am ready for my teacher certificate now.”

I laughed.

“No, seriously. I am ready to pass on what I have learned.”

“I’ll make you a certificate with a Sharpie on notebook paper.”

“Make it on the computer so it looks nice. I will open my own studio and put it on the wall. Make sure it’s signed by Pattabhi Jois.”


“Actually, make it ‘P. Tabhi.’ Like P. Diddy. That’s what I like to call him.”


Scotty playing with my shoelace in the sun.



22 Responses

  1. Oh DZM, I think I am crying… what a beautiful tribute. Love so powerful and pure. Thinking of you and your Gift and sending hugs, and sending peaceful wishes to Scotty.

    Things like this are never easy, there is never enough time with people and animals we love, and I don’t think we’re ever “ready” to say bye.

    from across the miles,

  2. Aw, I’m crying too! Snifflle…

    Anna is right, there is never enough time. Hugs to you!

  3. I’m so sorry to hear this Karen. I’m glad that your Gift was home for you.

  4. I’m sorry about Scotty. It sounds like he lived a good life and touched others deeply. That’s what we’re all supposed to do, yes?

    Definitely make the teaching certificate using a laser printer. With dramatic serif-y fonts. “Let it be known, henceforth, that _____P. Tabhi____ , is certified to teach Power-Cop Parking Lot Vinyasa Flow Yoga. Advanced Endorsements: Underwear Practice”

  5. Oh I’m so sorry.


    I guess your brother pulled a part of you closer to the one.

    Maybe this opens a path, too, that beings around you can find more easily for themselves.

    This might take some time. Will have you in mind and etc. in the days and weeks ahead.

  6. I was thinking about the one during practice. We are all *of* it already, of course. It’s the illusion of separateness that makes it seem otherwise. And, of course, makes losing the individual manifestations we’re attached to so difficult. I don’t know that there’s any way around that…

    Thanks, you guys, for being so kind!

  7. To be upfront, I’m not a “cat person.” And Scott wasn’t the smartest creature in the universe. And, when it comes to other humans, I’m generally a bit of a hardass. But watching Scott come to the end of this path was heart-wrenching for me. What he lacked in “intelligence” he made up for in the ability to love and be content.

    I took the day off work yesterday so I could support Karen and be with Scott at the end. At that end, Karen ended up supporting me while I bawled my eyes out in the vet office. I’ve seen plenty of people die from trauma or sickness, but watching him leave us yesterday was a truly terrible experience for me.

    Scott, I’ll see you again someday, brother.

  8. Hey Karen,
    Anna told me about what happened. I’m so sorry!! Very moving tributes from you & The Cop. I remember reading something that said, something like, “Animals help make us more human.” And they do. They help us remember how to love unconditionally. It’s too easy to attach conditions when there’s another person involved.

    And so our pets are very dear to us.

    I’m not very eloquent today, but I wanted to send a psychic hug.

  9. sounds like he was waiting to see Your Gift before he left, huh? i am so sorry.

  10. I’m so sorry. It’s so sad to lose a friend.

    cj x

  11. Yes, agreements. My marvelous cat died in May while I was in San Francisco and my partner was in Italy; taking her to the vet was the cat-sitter’s call and neither one of us really knows what happened to her. The vets did some emergency action and it didn’t work and so I got the news by email one night at about 10 pm and got home about 12 days later. It was a bizarre emotional seesaw for a while, and then the whole house (that’s me, partner, and other cat) decided that a new kitten was in order in late June and now we are four again. All good things to you.

  12. Poor Scotty, but at least he was surrounded by love when he passed. I’m so sad for you! Sending good wishes your way…. 😦

  13. hi karen, so sorry about Scotty.

  14. I’m so sorry, Karen and Cop 😦

    But it sounds like he lived and wonderful life, and what more can one ask for?


  15. Hey there. So sorry about Scotty. I wish you a lovely spring anyhow.


  16. So sorry about Scotty. And hugs and sympathy to you, The Cop, and The Gift.

  17. So sorry about Scotty. Your readers have grown attached to him as well.

  18. Lighting a candle at chez Lafitte.

  19. Aw. As ever, you all, I am grateful for the cybershala. Hugs back to each and every one of you!

  20. Oh, dear Karen:

    I am so sorry for your loss. During my long life I lost only 3 pets, and every time it was heartwrenching. I feel your pain…

    – Alfia

  21. Oh Karen (and the Cop), I’m so sorry about Scotty! I went through almost the exact same thing a couple of years ago and I know what a huge void a loss like this leaves… my thought are with you. And a lovely tribute indeed!

    Still you totally make me LOL! Just love “P. Tabhi” – the Cop is truly a genius and you are a true writer to give me both tears and laughter in the same post 😀



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