Backbending, Helping

The first urdhva dhanurasana is now similar to what used to be my fifth or ninth or twelfth. Easy, light, open. How wonderful. Not magical, but the product of patient progress.

How did this happen?

Finally, finally, I understand that if I keep doing this very same practice for the rest of my life, it will be an endlessly revealing and satisfying practice.

I wonder a little about where I would be today if I had kept at the first third of intermediate. Maybe “further” along. But at what expense? I am finding urdhva dhanurasana a remarkably complex and interesting project. And now, finally, a comforting project. A clarifying project.

I used to want to GET to intermediate, to GET the first third of the series in my pocket.

Today, I want to keep exploring backbends. Because I am becoming light in them, and loving them. They used to be about what I could get, and now they’re about what I can give over.

It’s definitely squared away my will, which remains, but not as selfishness.

The tightness, the fighting, is past. A new territory is opened up, and I have no idea what it is.

Not knowing is most intimate.

***

Chatted for a while with My Gift last night. She is struggling with weight gain. She’s still small by most people’s standards, but ten pounds heavier than last year.

It really bothers me that she is feeling down about this. Body image struggles take such enormous amounts of energy and cause so much pain.

Need to think about how I can help her keep some perspective.

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3 Responses

  1. “Finally, finally, I understand that if I keep doing this very same practice for the rest of my life, it will be an endlessly revealing and satisfying practice.”

    That is the heart of it right there! I feel like I should tape that to my mat or on the wall of my yoga room.

  2. “not knowing is most intimate.” SO so beautiful!

    i think the key to helping your gift find perspective with the weight issue, it so figure out where the feeling bad comes from and what it means. i know when i feel bad about my weight or the number on the scale, it usually can be traced back to feeling like a bad person and worrying that people won’t like me if i am ‘fat’. so, is your gift’s unhappiness really with her changed body or a fear about what other people might think?

  3. Or it might be a control issue. I know that when I start moaning about my weight (which, sincerely, doesn’t really fluctuate that much) it is because I don’t have a feeling of control over my life (having problems with friends, or stressed at work, things like that) and then I transfer that onto the weight issue, berating myself for not being able to “just do it” and lose it. In reality, I’m berating myself for not behaving as I think I should be behaving…perfectly, lol!

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