Whether you know what you’re doing or not

More Lin-Chi:

The Master said: Whoever comes here, I never let him slip by me, but in all cases understand where he comes from. If you come in a certain way, you’ll just be losing track of yourself. And if you don’t come in that way, you’ll be tying yourself up without using a rope. Whatever hour of the day or night, don’t go around recklessly passing judgments! Whether you know what you’re doing or not, you’ll be wrong in every case.

I took my 2 minute stroll between the end of primary and beginning of second. During primary, I get into a very deep, relaxed kind of state. Then I feel compelled to wake up for second, because it’s new and I feel like I need to pay more conscious attention. There is a state where you can do both — where you can be deep and attentive, and it’s the state the monks are trying to help you get to when they yell “Wake up!” in the middle of a long afternoon of zazen. I used to think they meant for us to stop dozing, but it was that and a deeper kind of wake up call.

At this point, I definitely feel like I have two ways in practice. Not just because of the consciousness differences between the part I know well and the part I am exploring. The backbending seems to be doing this weird thing where I feel like internal space is expanding and the external… hmmmm, not sure how to characterize this: “my” “external” feels like it’s contracting. It’s more than the physical body. It’s kind of like whatever the external boundary is is contracting. The edges of internal and external are overlapping somehow. Way to explain this more clearly? Yeah, um, I don’t have any idea.

Note to self: Sure way to wake up in the morning? Two minutes on “the rack.” Woohoo!