Argh, save me from myself!!

I exaggerate. I’m fine.

Well, actually, I am at work and there is a fire to be put out, or two or three fires, really. Or a billion. Apparently they never all go out and stay out. A never ending project.

This morning was an on-site class about global marketing strategy. Very interesting. I have to try to catch myself and not ask too many questions in classes. I wonder if that is an Ashtangi thing? Are we all really curious, and kind of aggressive about finding answers? Why can’t I just be quiet and wait and see what happens?

There’s a weird internal striving that I’m trying to get squared away these days. I mean, really, why do I have to turn everything into a challenge? It’s a little addiction, a behavioral tic. It’s the habit of my mind: it’s the karma I am making for myself. Honestly, I don’t understand it very well, this taste for difficult challenges. For many years I quite enjoyed it. I’m kind of over it now, though. Strangely, though, the impulse to be ambitious stays with me. I think that’s because I associate striving with my Self. And as has been demonstrated many times in my life, I find it hard to put down the things I think of as “me.”

This last paragraph makes me think of a nifty little saying I learned from my zen teacher: “Perhaps more suffering is necessary.” I like that, because it recognizes that I am making my own problem, and that for one reason or another, I might not quite be ready to put it down. Perhaps more practice is necessary.

I’ve been reading Iyengar’s Light on Life, and really enjoying it. It’s much more charming that I would have imagined, though I have no idea why I imagined Iyengar wouldn’t be charming. And there’s this measured quality about the tone of his writing, even as he is writing about something for which he (clearly) has so much passion. Geez, maybe I will finally be calm and relaxed and wise when I am in my 70s. Or 80s. Or 90s.

Be that as it may, here I am, well shy of 70, drinking vata tea, and thinking a bit about my morning practice. I rolled along through a usual at-home practice. It’s cooler in the mornings these days, but nothing the space heater and a long sleeved shirt won’t fix. As I worked my way through the marichys, I had to admit to myself that I am still feeling nervous around kurmasana. For a while there, I would feel kind of agitated from marichy D on: would I get the marichy D bind? Would kurmasana hurt? Would I get the bind of supta k? How bad would baddha konasana hurt? These days, both marichy d and the supta k bind are reliable, and I know how much baddha konasana hurts. Kurmasana seems to be the last hold-out, agitation-wise. I hurt my hamstrings almost a year ago getting my heels off the floor, and my psyche is not willing to let go of that memory, I guess.

Okay, no problem. Just more practice. A little grist for the mill.


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